Reclaiming Desire

When Midlife Turns You On

A while ago, I caught myself wanting something I couldn't quite name.

It wasn't a different job.

It wasn't a vacation.

It wasn't that I needed a life make-over. 

I just knew something felt...

flat.

Predictable.

Smaller than I wanted my life to feel.

I remember thinking, Something has to change.

The more I paid attention, the more I realized I wasn't actually craving change.

I was craving desire.

Not necessarily sexual desire.

Desire in its broadest sense.

The kind that makes you lean toward life.

The kind that makes you curious.

Creative.

Playful.

Honest.

The kind that whispers,

More of this.

That realization led me to a question that can feel almost scandalous.

What do I want?

Not what makes sense.

Not what keeps the peace.

Not what everyone else expects.

What do I want?

For many women, that question doesn't come with an answer.

It comes with guilt.

Confusion.

Or a very long silence.

Not because we don't have desires.

Because we've spent years becoming experts at answering a different question.

What does everyone else need from me?

That question comes easily.

What do I want?

That one can stop us in our tracks.

How We Lose Touch With Desire

From the time we're little girls, many of us are taught, directly or indirectly:

Be good.

Be pleasing.

Be modest.

Don't be too much.

Don't ask for too much.

Don't need too much.

Don't want too much.

Over time, those messages become less about our behavior and more about our relationship with ourselves.

We learn to second-guess our instincts.

To override our bodies.

To dismiss what lights us up because it doesn't seem practical.

Little by little, desire gets replaced with obligation.

Not because there's anything wrong with desire.

Because somewhere along the way, it stopped feeling safe.

Desire Is Bigger Than We Think

For a long time, I thought desire belonged in one category of life.

The more I've paid attention, the more I've realized it's woven through almost everything.

It's there when I feel pulled toward a meaningful conversation.

When I lose track of time doing something I love.

When I laugh until my stomach hurts.

When I feel deeply connected.

When I choose honesty over people-pleasing.

When I say yes to something that expands me.

And yes...

It's there in sexuality too.

Sexual desire isn't separate from the rest of who we are.

It's one expression of the same life force that fuels creativity, curiosity, play, connection, purpose, and joy.

When we lose touch with desire, it isn't just our sex lives that become smaller.

Sometimes our whole world does.

Midlife Has a Way of Exposing That

Hormones shift.

The body changes.

Libido changes.

Energy changes.

But something else changes too.

Your tolerance for abandoning yourself.

You can't override your own needs as easily.

You can't fake enthusiasm forever.

You can't keep saying yes when every part of you means no.

That's when desire starts asking uncomfortable questions.

Do I still want this relationship the way it is?

Do I want to be touched differently?

Do I want more adventure?

More rest?

More honesty?

More laughter?

More intimacy?

More of me?

Those questions aren't always convenient.

Sometimes they challenge the life you've worked really hard to build.

But maybe they aren't showing up to destroy your life.

Maybe they're trying to bring you back into it.

Learning to Listen

I wish I could tell you that once I realized all of this, the answers became obvious.

They didn't.

I'm still learning to hear my own desire underneath decades of conditioning.

Some days it's crystal clear.

Other days it's buried beneath habit.

Responsibility.

Fear.

People-pleasing.

But I've stopped expecting desire to arrive as one big, dramatic revelation.

Most of the time it shows up in much smaller ways.

A tiny pull toward something.

A little more energy.

A full-body yes.

A clear no… deep in my belly.

I've learned to pay attention.

Because every time I do, I become a little more myself.

Following Desire Doesn't Mean Blowing Up Your Life

Listening to your desire doesn't mean quitting your job tomorrow.

Ending your relationship.

Or making some dramatic life announcement.

Sometimes desire asks for something much smaller.

An honest conversation.

An afternoon without obligations.

A dance party in your kitchen.

More laughter.

A boundary.

A new hobby.

A nap.

More truth during sex.

Less pretending everywhere else.

Desire isn't reckless.

It's information.

It's one of the ways your life asks to be lived.

A Different Kind of Midlife

I don't think desire disappears in midlife.

I think it gets harder to ignore.

Sometimes that's exhilarating.

Sometimes it's inconvenient as hell.

Sometimes it asks questions we'd rather avoid.

But maybe that's the gift.

Maybe desire isn't here to blow up your life.

Maybe it's here to bring you back to it.

I'm still learning to trust mine.

I have a feeling I'll be practicing that for the rest of my life.

❤  Leah