The Midlife Paradox

Becoming More of Who You've Always Been

There was a stretch of about eight years where I said yes to just about every opportunity for “healing” and growth that crossed my path.

I read the books.

Earned the certifications.

Went to the workshops.

Worked with shamans.

Sat in plant medicine ceremonies.

I went full-on woo-woo for a while.

Honestly?

I loved a lot of it.

Some of those experiences changed my life.

Some cracked me wide open.

Some gave me language for things I'd been feeling for years.

I don't regret any of it.

But underneath all of that learning, healing, growing, and searching was a belief I couldn't see at the time.

That somewhere out there...

there was a better version of me waiting on the other side of enough healing.

If I just learned enough.

Healed enough.

Released enough.

Integrated enough.

Maybe then I'd finally become the woman I was supposed to be.

At the same time, I was checking all the boxes I thought were supposed to make a life feel complete.

I got the degree’s. 

I got married.

I became a mom.

And then…

I got divorced.

I dated.

I searched for the next relationship that would finally feel like "the one."

None of those experiences were mistakes.

Some were heartbreaking.

Some were beautiful.

Most were both.

Then something happened that I never saw coming.

It wasn't another retreat.

Another ceremony.

Another certification.

It was my daughter.

When she was little, I became deeply committed to teaching her something I believed with my whole heart.

That she never had to earn her worth.

That she didn't have to become someone else to deserve love.

That she could trust herself.

Speak up for herself.

Take up space.

Then one day it hit me.

I was trying to teach my daughter something I hadn't fully learned myself.

That was really painful.

Because if I wanted her to believe she was already enough...

I had to start believing it about myself too.

Not the someday version.

Not the fully healed version.

Not the version who finally figured everything out.

The woman standing right here.

The Paradox I Didn't See

For years, I thought growth meant becoming someone better.

Now I think growth is something entirely different.

It's becoming more honest.

More connected.

More willing to uncover the parts of yourself that have been there all along.

I still love learning.

I still read constantly.

I still take trainings.

I still get excited by new ideas.

I still love the woo-woo.

I just no longer believe I need to drink something that makes me barf my brains out in order to become worthy of myself.

That sentence makes me laugh.

It also happens to be true.

It’s not that plant medicine ceremonies are bad or wrong.

It’s the narrative  that brought me to ceremonies that was flawed.

The energy underneath my growth has completely changed.

I'm no longer trying to fix myself.

I'm trying to understand myself.

Those are two very different journeys.

Maybe Midlife Isn't Asking You to Reinvent Yourself

We're told that midlife is the perfect time to reinvent ourselves.

Start over.

Become our best selves.

Honestly...

I think that's exhausting.

What if this chapter isn't asking you to become someone new?

What if it's asking you to remember who you were before you spent decades trying to fit into everyone else's expectations?

Before you learned to shrink.

Perform.

People-please.

Earn your place.

Maybe the parts you've been searching for aren't hiding somewhere out in the future.

Maybe they've been waiting patiently underneath all the noise.

The Surprise I Didn't Expect

One of the biggest surprises after my divorce wasn't that I dated again.

It was realizing I really love being single.

For a long time, I believed the next great relationship would finally make life feel complete.

Instead, I discovered something I wasn't looking for.

I actually enjoy my own company.

Does that mean I'll never have another partner?

Probably not.

It just means my life isn't waiting for someone else to arrive before it can begin.

That realization feels incredibly freeing.

Not because I've stopped wanting love.

Because I've stopped believing love has to come from somewhere outside of me before my life feels whole.

A Different Kind of Growth

These days, I still grow.

Probably more than ever.

But growth no longer feels like a race toward a finish line.

It feels like a relationship.

A relationship with the woman I've been getting to know beneath all the striving.

She turns out to be funnier than I realized.

More resilient than I gave her credit for.

More capable of trusting herself.

More lovable.

More human.

And honestly...

She was there all along.

Maybe that's the real paradox.

The person you've been trying so hard to become...

might be the person you've been all along.

❤Leah